I logged into Facebook and started reading the threads people had posted in the group “Standing up to idiots.” A friend of mine who lives in Portland made a comment about Al Gore and the recent allegations that he sexually assaulted a masseuse while staying in a hotel in Portland in 2006. The masseuse claims that while the she was massaging Gore’s abdominal area, the former vice president asked that she go lower, and guided her hand south. When the masseuse refused and tried to leave his room, Gore allegedly grabbed her in what she described as an “inescapable embrace” and “caressed” her “back and buttocks and breasts.” The masseuse claims that as she struggled to get away from Gore, he flipped her on her back and “threw his whole body face down” on top of her.
This little thread on Facebook raised some serious questions about what it means to be sexually assaulted and if women have taken too much liberty with the term sexual assault and turned into something it isn’t.
The National Women’s Health Information Center under the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services defines sexual assault as such:
Sexual assault can be verbal, visual, or anything that forces a person to join in unwanted sexual contact or attention. Examples of this are voyeurism (when someone watches private sexual acts), exhibitionism (when someone exposes him/herself in public), incest (sexual contact between family members), and sexual harassment. It can happen in different situations: in the home by someone you know, on a date, or by a stranger in an isolated place.
It seems simple: a stranger says something lewd that makes you uncomfortable, someone touches you in a sensitive area and makes you uncomfortable, someone could look at you funny and make you uncomfortable. Some women have made millions of dollars suing their bosses for making “inappropriate” comments (I could be a billionaire by now).
The definition in itself is very broad. As one of the people on the thread responded, “If an unwanted sexual advance is considered sexual assault, I'm never going to another bar again!”
I thought about it more and recounted a couple times where I felt like my personal space had been violated while at a bar. As I walked out the restroom once, a boy (I call him a boy because acts like this are childish at best) took it upon himself to grab my butt. I turned around, looked at him, slapped him in the face, and then walked off. It probably wasn’t in my best interest to slap him, because he either could have gotten violent with me or he might have gotten off on that. Who knows.
Other times boys have made lewd comments that made me uncomfortable and I wasn’t even at a bar where alcohol might have influenced their behavior. It has happened at the gym, while on campus or even walking down the street. This type of behavior happens ALL the time. But should I charge every guy who makes an inappropriate comment or touches me when I don’t want to be touched with sexual assault?
Truthfully, no. It’s not because I don’t find this behavior insulting or deplorable. But we can’t just jail every asshole who comes along. It doesn’t make logistical sense.
I cannot say this without sounding terrible, but, as women, we need to learn how to deal with behavior that makes us uncomfortable. It might seem unfair; it might seem like justice is not in our favor. But that’s not the case. The power we have is subtle. The power comes in educating ourselves: knowing where to find resources concerning sexual assault and knowing our legal rights. The power comes in learning how to handle ourselves in these types of situations, being careful about the positions we put ourselves in, and standing together and making a statement that, as women, we won’t tolerate certain behavior.
And you know what this means as well? It means not wearing a dress at a bar that leaves literally nothing to the imagination, then getting angry with a guy for staring or saying something. It means not purchasing certain magazines that promote only sex crazed ideas that women are sexual objects and men are supposed to be the aggressors. It means knowing how to protect ourselves when situations like this do occur.
What do you do when someone touches you inappropriately? You simply say, “No, you are not allowed to do that.” And if the aggressor persists, depending on the environment, you either leave or you call the police. You have to go into survival mode. As one woman stated on the Facebook thread, “I sure hope I would raise my daughter to tell a man to go fuck himself if she felt invaded in some way.”
Often times people don’t press charges out of fear, so the silence weighs down on them and they live with the guilt and shame of what happened. I never pressed charges against a man who raped me because I was afraid. I also regret other times when I know I should have said something when I felt uncomfortable or should have tried to get myself out of that particular situation, but I didn’t. And those guys probably thought, “Well, if I can get away with this behavior with her, who else will let me get away with it?”
Silence will only perpetuate this problem, and if we don’t make ourselves clear on what is acceptable and what isn’t, I suppose we’ll continue hearing more and more stories like the one about Al Gore. I don’t want to read anymore Facebook threads like that. I’d rather read about someone who saw someone walking down the street wearing an ape costume.
Resources:
www.loveisnotabuse.com
www.knowmoresaymore.org
www.nsvrc.org
www.rainn.org
www.womenshealth.gov
Join the Facebook group “Standing up To Idiots.”
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