We all get those feelings...you know, when you’re about to do something but a voice is telling you that something is not right. But you go through with it, then quickly regret it saying to yourself, “I should have followed my instinct.”
This is the story of my life. I have always been a risk taker, someone who doesn’t mind grazing the edges. I look back and wonder how much of it was worth it. Did it make my life better or just miserable? What did I gain from that experience? When does one learn that certain risks are okay to take, while others we should just learn to completely avoid? Throughout the past few years, I have put myself in some very compromising situations. To put it lightly, I have been very stupid. Mostly I have been very stupid when it comes to the choices I make concerning men.
I look back on some of the articles I have written and parts of me cringe. Being as promiscuous as I was back in the day, I replay in my mind situations that could have turned out worse. I don’t have shame about wanting to have lots of sex; I hold shame for not being more discriminatory in my choice of partners and following my instinct. There have been several times when I knew there was something off about someone...never mind the fact that most of these guys didn’t even deserve to sleep with me.
In last week’s article, "Standing Up to Idiots," I mentioned the story of a young woman who slept with someone who took off his condom and pulled out her Nuvaring without her knowing. That young woman was me. I decided to use a pseudonym because I was unsure about what I was going to do and if it was worth something legally pursuing. After talking with several friends, I realized that I was not alone in feeling disgusted and violated for what happened.
Talking to a couple people has also made me realize that I put myself in this position. Does it excuse what he did? No. Does it make it okay? Not at all. Do I realize I need to be smarter about my decisions? Yes. But I once again slept with someone I didn’t know. I trusted someone whom I should not have trusted. Granted this could have happened with someone I had been dating for awhile, I still in the end compromised myself.
While we all make mistakes and often regret the decisions we make, whether it’s drinking too much the night before, or in my case, sleeping around too much, we can decide whether or not we want to take charge of that part of our life that is holding us back from the things we really want, which is happiness. I cannot sit here and write that all my sexual endeavors have led towards happy memories. I would be lying to you; I would also be lying to myself.
If I want to be completely honest with my readers. There are moments when I cried after sleeping with someone I barely knew, when I felt contempt for myself for not expecting more out of certain relationships, and when I continued seeing someone even though I knew I was being used. I allowed it, even though my instinct told me to stop. I wish I had excuses for why I do it. I don’t. I just need to step doing it. While not all experiences have been bad and I’ve had a lot of pleasure in exploring my sexuality, I need to place more discern on who I sleep with.
My new promise to myself before I am put in a situation of having sex for the sake of having sex, I will ask myself, “What’s my gut telling me?” And if something is slightly off, I’ll move on. No more idiot decisions for me.
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