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Although nobody really likes to pay taxes, I think we can all appreciate the need for them. We may live in a free society, but we all know that nothing is actually free. There are roads to pave, schools to build, borders to defend… With a little creativity, new taxes based on existing and long-forgotten fees, can effectively address not only the three aforementioned issues, but also resolve a myriad others, including one of the most controversial topics the U.S. is faced with today: Hispanic immigration.

First and foremost, it’s time to open the border. The U.S. currently spends billions of state and federal dollars trying to keep people out when what we really should be doing is trying to figure out how to get more people in. Rather than look at Latino immigrants as unwanted intruders, it’s time to regard them as welcome—and paying—customers.

Patrolling the U.S./Mexico border and enforcing immigration laws is really just a waste of time since anybody who really wants to get into the U.S. eventually does so anyway. The average salary of a border patrol agent is around $75,000, and each time an agent does his job correctly, additional costs are generated, including transportation, food and lodging for captured illegal immigrants.

However, the median pay for an IRS agent is approximately $45,000 per year, and each time a tax collector does his job correctly, revenue is generated. By simply replacing the U.S.’s 20,000 border patrol agents with IRS agents, Uncle Sam would save over 600 million dollars per year, not to mention the millions saved by not detaining immigrants in the first place or the billions gained by taxing them instead.

Great leaders throughout history have found a way to fill their coffers through unconventional taxes, and I propose we follow their lead by imposing a few of our own.

Moustache Tax
Tsar Pyotr Alexeyevich Romanov transformed the back-assward Tsardom of Russia into the modern Russian Empire. As a forward thinker, it occurred to Peter to excise a “beard tax,” where everyone except the clergy was required to pay for the right to grow facial hair. (He wasn’t known as Peter the Great for nothing.) Because moustaches are an integral part of their culture, the U.S. government could make a fortune by taxing Hispanic men—and some Hispanic women—who sport “bigotes.” Fully-bearded citizens would not be taxed, however, which would not be problematic since most Hispanics can’t grow hair on their chins in the first place.

Salt, Chile and Lime Tax
While salt levies have been implemented in various nations throughout history—the French, British and Chinese have all imposed a salt tax at one time or another—a general salt tax would be unfair to real Americans. However, by taxing the aforementioned combination of condiments, the IRS would pretty much be guaranteed to target only Hispanics.

Tan-Skin Tax
Not to be confused with the current federal “Tanning Tax,” a 10% tariff on indoor tanning salons, a “Tan-Skin Tax” would be aimed at those with naturally darker skin. The rate would be determined on a sliding scale where the darker the skin, the higher the percentage one would have to pay. Rebates would be made available to albinos and redheads.

Speaking Spanish Tax
Duties levied against foreigners and immigrants are not all that uncommon. Canada taxed all Chinese immigrants from 1885 through 1923, when the Chinese Immigration Act prohibited the Chinese from entering Canada at all. However, rather than affecting all immigrants or racially profiling immigrants based on the way they look, this tax would only affect Latinos who don’t learn English.

Tejuino Tax
While the Roman emperor Nero levied the collection of urine from public toilets, and some little old lady charges a toilet paper tax in just about every “baño público” in Mexico, the wide availability of bushes and alleyways in the U.S. would make it very difficult to charge a urine tax in this country. In its place, however, a tax could be placed in the sale of “tejuino,” which smells like urine and tastes like shit.

Beater Tax
Although the original idea was a for a tax on the run-down motor vehicles—specifically mini-vans—that most Latino immigrants drive, it would also be beneficial to apply this tax to “wife-beater” undershirts that most Latino immigrants wear. Fees raised would not only benefit public transportation, but also clinics for spousal and child abuse.

By taking the “illegal” out of “illegal aliens” and by imposing new taxes targeting Hispanic immigrants, the entire Latino immigration debate would also be resolved. The amount of revenue generated by these taxes would either move the country out of recession, or the Latinos would simply emigrate back to where they came from because it would be too damn expensive to live here anymore.

Photo courtesy of Jeremy Brooks

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