I have been in situations when I didn’t want to have sex and I made up some lame excuse. “I’m tired.” “I don’t have a condom.” “I’m on my period.” “My dog died and I’m too sad to have sex.” In the reality of these circumstances I just didn’t want to have sex. I didn’t feel like it. I had no interest in getting down and dirty. So, why did I feel the need to make up some lame excuse? Why did I feel, “No, I don’t want to,” wasn’t good enough?

It’s hard to say no. You’re in the heat of the moment, or with someone you care about, and the last thing you want to do is disappoint that person. It’s almost like it’s easier to just do it, get it out of the way, and not have to deal with giving reasons why you don’t want to have sex.

While dating this particular dude, we’ll call Mr. Pushy, he tried to prod me one night. He kissed my neck, told me how pretty I was, how excited I made him. And me, I was just dead weight, unresponsive to any type of advances he made. I had a long day and was just irritable at that moment. Mr. Pushy kept trying and was so confused as to why I didn’t just jump on top of him. “What’s wrong?” he asked very concerned. “I don’t feel like having sex,” I said. “Oh, well why? Are you on your period?” Mr. Pushy asked, as if it was the craziest thing he had ever heard. “No, I just don’t want to.” At that moment I felt like I made a statement. Why did I have to preface it? Shouldn’t he have just said, “Okay, that’s fine?”

In many aspects of life, we often feel like we have to make excuses for things we don’t want to do. It’s almost like we revolve our decisions around what others think instead of just doing what feels right for us. How many times do we do things because we want to do them? When is the last time you made a decision and said to yourself, “I want this for myself”?

Stop justifying decisions you make. Guess what, people don’t really care why you might want something different. They will still push their desires on you and that’s when you have to make a decision for yourself to do what you think is right for you. Some people call doing things for yourself “selfish;” I call it rational. How much happier would we be if we started doing things that actually made us feel good? I know that if I had sex with Mr. Pushy that night, I wouldn’t have felt good about it because I didn’t want it. It felt better for me to state what I really wanted and to follow through with it. It’s too easy to give-in and let other dictate our choices. It takes more strength and courage to actually stand up for the things we want and to follow through with it.

Do we need to be mindful of how our choices affect other people? Yes, of course. But I knew that Mr. Pushy would live to see another day. Me not having sex with him didn’t change the rotation of the earth and the sun rose the next morning.

I just know I am tired of settling. I have compromised myself so many times and made sacrifices for things I didn’t even want. I’ve tried to transform myself when certain parts of me don’t want or aren’t willing to change.  

Stop trying to fit a triangle into a circle. Start living your life the way you envision it could be. It’s okay to just say no.

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