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When dating someone new (which seems like a constant theme in my life), I ask myself what it means to be in a monogamous relationship. But, as you know from previous columns, I have never dated someone long enough to really consider someone’s feelings when it comes to sleeping with other people—yes, while dating someone, I have slept with other guys. There was no real commitment to that person, so I didn’t feel guilty. Have guys I’ve dated slept with other people while presumably only seeing me? I’m certain of it. How society defines cheating seems ironic. Flirting is considered cheating. Kissing is a definite no-no. And having sex with someone else? That’s the ultimate deal breaker. I have done all of these without a second thought, and while knowing that the guys I was dating were doing the same thing, I felt more hurt that they were possibly establishing some type of emotional connection with other women. I enjoyed knowing that their secrets were shared only with me, and once I felt that they might be finding an emotional support system outside of me, I cut ties and moved on. I felt like I had been cheated.

When contemplating whether or not I wanted to have an open-relationship with the last guy I dated I mulled over it and tried to understand what I felt more threatened by: him getting off with someone else or the possibility of him finding comfort with another woman. I thought of the intimate details I shared about my life with him, and how I hadn’t even come close to sharing those parts of myself with anyone before him. I wondered if he found it so easy to just be open with every girl he dated. It seemed as though he was. When I understood that I wouldn’t even get an emotional commitment out of him, I knew it wasn’t for me.

The book “The Ethical Slut” talks about the endless “possibilities” when exploring the different types of intimacy and monogamous relationships out there. “One of the wonderful advantages of being a slut is that you get to have different kinds of relationships, instead of having to choose just one...you don’t have to force anyone into a mold that doesn’t fit: all you have to do is enjoy how you do fit together, and let go of the rest.” The authors also refer to what they call a “starvation economy.” They state, “Our belief is that the human capacity for sex and love and intimacy is far greater than most people think—possibly infinite—and that having a lot of satisfying connections simply makes it possible for you to have a lot more. Imagine what it would feel like to live in an abundance of sex and love and that you had more than you have possibly ever wanted.”

Yeah, it sounds great in theory.  That would be my dream come true. But, holy shit! I want to know where these people find time to foster real and intimate relationships with these other partners. I hardly have time to keep up with my close friends, that adding on a relationship with one person, let alone seeing three people at once, just isn’t an option—unless of course I want these relationships to be emotionally casual with the added benefit of getting to sleep with several different guys at a time. I have learned over the past few months of the importance of making time for someone you care about and making sure your attention is devoted to that person and that they’re not just getting a minimal effort out of you. It’s easy to be casual, but it’s not easy to be intimate. Spreading yourself emotionally thin can cause problems and stagnate growth in a relationship. Besides many of my other gaffes in dating, I know one of the main problems that I had was that I could never commit myself to just being intimate physically and emotionally with one person. I have come to believe that dating is like going on a diet. Crash dieting may work for a week, but you’ll gain it all back if you don’t stick with something consistent. Relationships will never grow unless you’re willing to really give it a chance and stick with it.

Experience has taught me one thing: what I have been doing has caused nothing but problems for me. I have gotten caught up in lies, gotten names mixed up, have forgotten whose birthday it was, whose mom had died, who liked chocolate, or who liked doing it from behind. Simplifying my dating life, rather than complicating it with more people, makes sense. Wish me luck.

 

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