Srta. Sexo

I did something that no woman should ever do if she’s not engaged: I tried on wedding dresses. I couldn’t help it as I passed by this beautiful boutique in downtown Seattle after having dinner with my sister. We peered into the windows and these gorgeous gowns said, “Try me on.” My sister, who is already married, looked at me and said, “Wouldn’t it be fun if you went in and tried on dresses?” The next day I called to see if we could get a consultation. We got in that day and I was in bridal gown heaven.

I went nuts. I went through rack after rack and was immediately struck at how amazing some of these gowns were. I wanted to wear them to coffee shops, to dinner, to go shopping. I felt like a princess just looking at them. Then the fitting began. I put on the first gown, and yes it, was a stunner. I pranced around in the shop and told the consultant how my “fiancé” and I met. He just finished his MBA in finance, and we were planning on a spring wedding. I was beginning to create a little world that even I believed in—I even wore my sister’s engagement ring. My sister played along, and told the lady how much she liked my fiancé and how lucky we are to have found each other. This little game was getting a little out of hand, but hey, who knows if I’ll ever actually wear a wedding gown?

I put on the final dress, walked out, and my sister’s jaw dropped. She looked at me, the consultant even got excited, and all they could say was, “Wow.”

“You really look like a bride,” said the consultant.

My sister started crying.

I looked in the mirror and thought, “Yeah, I look pretty.”

But I didn’t flinch. I tried imagining myself walking down an aisle. I tried to get really excited. I tried imagining wearing a ring on my finger indicating that I belonged to someone. All I know is that I felt very uncomfortable. I felt trapped in the dress and wanted to get out of it. The $7,000 price tag also made me feel a bit tense.

The consultant began telling me how I could get 30% off the dress because it fit me so perfectly. She told me she would hide it away from other customers that came in if I wanted more time to decide because that was the dress for me.

I said I needed to talk to my fiancé first before I decided on anything.

As soon as I got out of the dress I ran out of the store.

Talk about an epiphany. Never before have I felt so overwhelmed with the thought of commitment.

My views on marriage are non-existent. I’ve thought about it before, but I haven’t dwelled on it. I’ve considered it might happen one day, but never thought of it as an actual possibility. Seeing myself in a wedding dress only made me realize how unready I am to be even actually taking the idea of marriage seriously.

How can I even play around with the idea of marriage when I’m still barely learning how to have a relationship with myself, let alone, date a guy for more than a month?

The thought of commitment—a lifelong commitment, to be exact—isn’t something one should take lightly or play around with. It’s not a time to play dress up just to feel like a princess for a day. It’s a big deal. A really big deal. It’s telling your significant other, “I want you and only you for the rest of my life.”

I’m sure that’s a wonderful feeling to have. I’m positive, in fact, that many people do experience that sense of unity, as if no other person could bring as much joy or sense of peace and meaning to their life.

As of now, however, I want that sense of meaning and joy to come from within, and I want to be able to enjoy someone without having to worry about if it’s going somewhere and let whatever happens happen. I want to spend time with a person and not feel pressured into thinking that we have to call ourselves an “item” until I’ve enjoyed being in the present with that person all the time, and not so focused on the future.

It’s not that I feel commitment is a bad thing, but I’m not looking to put a ring on it any time soon. At the same time, I do hope someone looks as good as I did in that dress…

On my new quest to discover what it’s like to spend time by myself, I went to the beach and decided to be a alone for a couple days. I thought to myself, “What a better way to self-discover than to hear the beautiful sounds of waves crashing and falling asleep in the sun?” My ignorance never fails to amuse me.

In my article “Chronicles of a Dateaholic,” I stated how I haven’t truly been alone in the last five years. I quickly realized that maybe jumping into complete solitude isn’t the best way to start self-discovery.

Alas, I was anxious to start to my journey, but soon found that I became increasingly bored on the 4 hour drive to get to my destination. I kept telling myself not to call anyone, and to just be content with my own thoughts. I kept flipping through different radio stations, hummed along to the music, made up new songs in my head, but the silence was deafening. The last hour and half was spent chatting with my mom, sister, my friend Monica, and several phone calls to friends who never answered. This whole "spending time alone" with myself was going to be harder than I thought.

When I finally arrived, I walked into the condo, set my stuff down and looked around. No one was there. Not a soul. The quietness of the place kind of threw me off. I was alone. And worse...there was no cell reception.

There is a quote that I have held close for quite some time:

“If you are lonely when you’re alone, you are in bad company.”
—Jean Paul Sartre

That quote, even though it is painful to read, holds a lot of truth. My own company in the last few years has been awful. Any time I know I will be alone, I try to find some friend (mostly some random guy) to help fill up the silence in the room. I’m not sure when it exactly became that way for me. In the silence of my room, I thought about how as a child I was able to enjoy everything without being entertained by someone else. I was alone a lot growing up, and never complained of being bored or not having someone stay the night all the time. I was totally happy with just me.

But, I grew up, and adulthood seems to complicate life more.

First off, let me explain how crazy a person gets when he or she is constantly surrounded by people or with someone, and they find themselves alone with their thoughts for the first time in a long time. It’s a bit overwhelming. So, my saga continued.

Despite no cell reception, I incessantly checked my phone like a crazy person; I walked around the house not knowing what to do with myself; I desperately tried to get a good wi-fi connection; I did everything and anything to try to avoid my thoughts.

I walked to the beach thinking I could at least do some useful soul-searching there. I sat for awhile and reflected on my relationship choices. I tried to revert to something different. I tried not to think about this cute guy that I met at the bar over the weekend, who I really wanted to see again. I tried not to think about how I’ve made the same mistakes concerning men over and over again. I got tired of self-loathing, so I went for a run. The run only reminded me how I need to get in better shape.

You would expect that being on the beach would be totally relaxing, but it’s not when you’re trying to figure out how to like yourself and be comfortable with the present moment. It’s the exact opposite of relaxation because most of the time I was there, I was wrestling with my thoughts. My heart was probably really pissed at me.

It was most likely thinking, “Excuse me, but after all this time, now you want to talk? You mean to tell me that you think you can just walk in here after all these years and expect me to welcome you in? You’re crazy!”

I probably expected too much of myself because I had been ignoring me for a long time...maybe not ignoring, more like avoiding. It probably wasn’t a safe assumption to make that I could just waltz into my heart and expect it to be comfortable with my presence.

The energy it took to actually pay attention to myself was excruciating, but apparently worth it. because after a few hours, I stopped checking my phone. I shut down the computer and walked to the beach again—not with the intention of figuring out my life, but to just enjoy where I was. I was able to retreat to my room not feeling like I was missing out on a lot because I wasn’t with someone. My own company became less overbearing as time passed.

Learning to be content with yourself takes time and diligence. It’s a process. After years of filling my time with dating random guys and hardly spending a night alone in the last five years, it’s going to take more than me just going to the beach and hanging out.

But, at least I have cell reception now.

While out a couple weekends ago, I met an awesomely attractive guy, with an equally cute friend. Mr. Hottie’s friend was chatting up another girl, whose number he got then later stated he probably wouldn’t call her.

My first thought, “Wow, what a jerk.”

I had to step out of myself for a second though to realize that I do the same thing a lot, just in a different way. I have said "yes" to guys that I talked with at a bar or coffee shop, then out of obligation gave them my number because I felt bad if I said "no."

It was a lot easier to say yes than to be upfront and say, “Listen, I think you’re really nice, but I’m not interested.”

So, a couple days later, they would call and either I wouldn’t answer or I would make up a million excuses as to why I would be busy for the next six months.

It was evil. Unfair. Cruel. I strung these poor men along because I wasn’t grown up enough to be honest.

We seem to hold men up to these expectations that they are the ones who are jerks and never call when they say they will, but what about women? Is it not just as bad to lead on a guy to think that he actually has a shot with you?

We don’t like it when men mislead us, so why do we mislead men? There is either a sense of power that women get from this or guilt if they say no.

Let’s start with the power. When I posed this question to a few readers, someone told the story of a girl he knew. “I used to know a girl who bragged about how many guys she stood up after agreeing on going on dates with them. It was nasty.”

Maybe women do this as a way to show that they can play with the boys. “You think you get to have all the fun? Think again! Women are in it to win it, baby!”

It might be the evolution of womanhood, the kind that takes place after feeling like they’ve been mistreated for so long. In previous articles, I mentioned the power trip I went on by treating guys like crap. But not all instances were cases of power.

I did feel guilty a lot. I knew I was being dishonest, but felt like it was worse if I just told the truth. I knew I’d end up hurting someone’s feelings either way, but I justified it by saying to myself, “I don’t want to ruin his night or hurt his self-esteem by saying no.” I made myself think like I really had some type of hold on men that it would ruin their lives if I said, “No.” So, after getting over myself and realizing that this guy would find a new girl to talk to the next night and the memory of me saying no wouldn’t be engrained in him forever, it became a lot easier to let someone know I wasn’t interested.

I was tested recently by this theory that guys would survive the wrath of me saying, “No.” While sitting at the bar waiting for a friend, a guy came up to me and started with the usual small talk. We chatted, and while he was nice, I had no interest in continuing our little conversation, and simply said, “I would love to chat more, but I am waiting for a friend and it’s just a girls' night.” He shockingly didn’t shed a tear, and before I knew it, he was talking to another girl like I had never existed before.

Thing is, we can let down a person easy. We don’t have to be rude or nasty about it. Of course it’s not fun, but what if we just said, “Hey, I think you’re nice but I don’t think we should go out...”?

Or for starters, why keep talking to someone that you know you have no interest in whatsoever? You’re not doing any charitable favors by leading anyone on and giving them the slightest hope that a beautiful girl such as yourself would be interested in seeing him again.

So stop flattering yourself and have the decency to say no when you absolutely know you have no desire to see that person again. Don’t give out fake numbers. Don’t let him think you’re open for the weekend, then all of a sudden you find out that you’ve been summoned to find the cure to world hunger and that you’re simply too busy to out on a date. However, I suppose if that were true, it would be a legitimate excuse.