– A wedding is at 8:00 p.m., you get there at 10:00 p.m. and nobody has arrived yet.
– You will often have lunch and dinner at the same restaurant on the same day... without actually leaving
– You believe a shot of tequila cures everything.
– You have more prescription drugs in your toiletry bag than Pfeizer does and you don't have an actual prescription for a single one.
– You blame the traffic on the rich.
– You blame the crime on the poor.
– You blame the PRI for almost everything else.
– You blame los "pinches gringos" for whatever's left.
– The word "Puente" means five–day weekend.
– You enjoy drinking beer with lime, salt, ice, Tabasco sauce and still think it's the orange juice in the morning that gives you heartburn.
– "Licenciado" is a proper name.
– You go "pssssst" to catch a waiter's attention...in New York City.
– You refer to "@" as "Arroba" but have no clue what it means.
– You use the word "este" as a conversational filter...in English.
– You say "Bueno" when answering a telephone...in English.
– You say "Mande" when someone calls you...in English.
– You keep on addressing good friends as barnyard animals. ("Buey" & "Cabron" are the animals most often employed).
– You refer to a salesman as "maestro"...at Saks Fifth Avenue.
– You eat tacos, enchiladas, morcilla, moronga, and medula, but believe hamburgers are unhealthy.
– When someone tells you "I'll call you," you assume that he won't.
– You know "a ver cuando nos vemos" actually means "I really don't care if I don't see you anytime soon".
– "Tomorrow" means "not right now", "never", or "screw you."
– Calling in sick on Monday is proper behavior.
– You keep a 20–dollar bill taped to the back of your driver's license.
– If you want 50 people to show up for your party, you invite 150.
– You call an 80 year–old waiter "joven".
– You call a twenty year–old waiter "viejo."
– You call everyone else, "hermano", "mano", or "manito".
– But you call your real brother, "pendejo."
– You never refer to a friend's mother as simply "su madre", but always qualify by saying, "su señora madre", or "su querida madre", to avoid a misunderstanding which could get you a "madrazo"
– You assume women fall into three categories: virgins, whores or your mother.
– You assume your daughters are virgins because they get home before you do at night.
– You profess, "como Mexico no hay dos", but secretly wish Mexico City was more like San Antonio.
– You think the next "Sexenio" and "The President" always will be better...

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