Some would say that Internet dating is a success—if you meet the person. According to eHarmony, that means marriage. I’ve been around that block a couple of different ways and found different kinds of success. I’ve learned a few things about it too. The most important of all these things is that you really do need to screen. The part I like best about it is when you put yourself out there and you choose from the people that come to you. No sending replies that are never responded to. No awkward dates that feel like job interviews or waiting in line at the DMV. You just communicate, and if you don’t connect, then nobody loses face. You just hit delete.

A very good thing about the Internet dating scene is that there are different levels of participation. You can be as active or as passive about it as you want. I prefer the more passive approach. I have enough things going on as it is, like I need another email account to check. In my time dating I have used eHarmony, Cupid.com and Craigslist. Out of those services, I got one really good friend, a one-year relationship and the love of my life. I also got the guy that stared, the one that was obsessed with his truck, and the commitment-phobic relationship seekers. Still don’t understand those guys.

The worst part about Internet dating for me was the stereotypes I had to deal with when I did it. I can partially understand why it got such a bad rap when it started, but come on people. That was 20 years ago. We do everything from banking to grocery shopping online these days. Build a bridge. The utter variety of people that have an online presence these days is astounding. There are quite a few people I know that would be surprised to find out their babysitter has a website or an online alter ego, but it happens. Using the Internet to meet people is no different than going to the Laundromat or happy hour. Like sub Saharan animals to the water, we go where we know we can get what we want. Internet dating is not something one resorts to because they are some sort of social pariah.

So what makes Internet dating a success? Just that. Getting what you want. That’s why the best thing you can do is to sit down and think about what you want. Letting people know honestly and openly what you are looking for is the first line of defense in weeding out the undesirables. If you are just looking for a friend, let that single parent who is looking for a partner know. It saves both of you time. No hard feelings either.

The other thing you can do, as a favor to yourself and your dates, is consult a friend about your bio. Not your Charlotte, your Samantha. Ask them what your most prominent characteristics are. If you’re feelin’ Froggy, you may as well throw in your best attributes and those areas you’re working to improve. Oh yeah, it is a summary, not a documentary. List a few of your hobbies and make sure they are in different categories, but don’t check everything you find interesting. The goal of the initial point of contact is to leave them wanting more.

Another lesson I was given multiple chances to learn was that you don’t have to respond to them all. In fact you shouldn’t. There is a sorting process that happens in person and there is a sorting process that needs to happen with digitally dating. It sounds judgmental, but we’re humans—that’s how we function. If they don’t wow you or if they make you think of a list of things they’d be better if they had/didn’t have, do everyone a favor and pass. “He’s just not that into you” taught us some very valuable lessons. I like to sum it up by saying, “Chase the ones that are chasing you back.” You’re still playing the game, just not navigating through a minefield while doing it.

Lastly, a word about safety. I don’t want to sound like your mom, but we live in crazy times, people. Less than a month ago, a young girl was found kidnapped while jogging less than two blocks from her house out here. I’m sure the Craigslist killer has not yet been forgotten either. I highly recommend a tiered structure for increasing levels of familiarity. (You’re on your own for levels of intimacy). Start with a straight week of emailing. Follow that up with 3 or 4 phone conversations. Maybe do a little texting.

When you do decide to meet someone, there are lots of well-lit, well-populated places to meet a person. Bookstore coffee shops were my favorite. It also wouldn’t hurt to let someone know where you’re going. Internet dating is much the same as traditional dating, whatever that is. Just get a feel for the person before you go spend time with them. Not only for safety reasons, but those are precious hours of your life that you can never get back.

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