I read my dad’s email a few times before it started to settle in: the man who sexually abused me for six months when I was 9 had died. Gilbert only spent four years in prison before he was released for “good behavior.” He had been a family friend for years, and after my dad pressed charges against him for molesting me, Gilbert bought a shotgun to the house and tried to kill my dad because he refused to drop the charges. Needless to say, I dealt with a lot of childhood anger.

Flash forward to now.

I have counseled survivors of sexual abuse on how to heal and move on with their lives. I have taught them to write in journals, to make themselves a priority, and to find meaning and purpose for their lives. I constantly reminded them that not everyone is an abuser.

As a survivor myself, I went on to live a pretty good life, and became an active member of the community. I refused to let what Gilbert did control how I lived. It wasn’t until recently, before learning about Gilbert’s death, that I realized I still carried an enormous amount of anger towards him. I couldn’t bring myself to forgive him. He didn’t deserve forgiveness, I told myself. I chose to hold on to that anger, and it started to reflect in my life in different ways with how I treated people. I became hostile and often very unforgiving towards people who made mistakes, but meant no harm. No one was allowed in my life unless they passed a litmus test. I created an environment that was bitter and unforgiving.

I woke up one day, and just started crying. How did I get to this point of feeling so unresolved? How could I counsel others if I was unhappy? I decided to follow my own advice, and began writing to try to figure out what was holding me back.

Entry after entry held so much anger in each line that I realized that by harboring resentment towards Gilbert I was doing a disservice to myself. So, I made a resolution to forgive him. I said, “You hurt me. You took advantage of me. But you didn’t rob me of my life. Whatever was going on with you when you abused me, I won’t ever know nor understand. But I forgive you.”

A sense of relief and freedom took charge at that moment. I could move forward now.

A few months after I made that promise to forgive him was when my dad told me about Gilbert’s death. He also told me something else.  Gilbert had called my dad two years ago to ask for his forgiveness. He wanted to apologize for what he had to our family. I just hope that before he died, he knew that he was already forgiven.

Gilbert was a sick man, but that did not make him undeserving of love or forgiveness. My advice to people who have been sexually abused or hurt enormously is to remember that, as humans, we are all flawed. We will hurt people and do things we regret. If we can’t expect perfection from ourselves, we must not expect it from others. If we choose to remain angry, we’re hurting ourselves more than the person who caused us pain.

It matter how not straight the gate
How charged with punishments the scroll
I am the master of my fate
I am the captain of my soul

—William Henley

www.sexreally.com
www.loveisnotabuse.com
www.womenspeakoutnow.com
http://www.brokenspirits.com/resources/sexual_abuse.asp

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