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This whole “dating” thing and trying to have a “normal” relationship is much harder than I expected. I thought I could just jump into dating someone and it would be easy. I failed to take into account that people have different views about dating and different needs.

So, in comes Saul, someone I thought I would want to pursue on a deeper level. After a month and a half of dating and me waiting that long to sleep with him (which is something I have never done), he decides to tell me after we have sex that he wants to be in a “open” relationship. As we’re in his bed and this conversation is taking place after we just had sex that night, I am processing different volumes of emotions. First, I’m confused because he gave me the impression that he wanted a more committed relationship. Second, I am angry that he decided to wait to tell me this. Finally, I am hurt. I tried to do things differently this time: I didn’t throw myself at him; I wanted to take it slow and date with purpose. It felt like “doing it right” was blowing up in my face.

Soon after the conversation, I left his house with too many questions unanswered. I thought and thought about it. I really liked Saul. Maybe I could try to be in an “open” relationship. But the thought of it made me uneasy, and the more I tried to justify it, the more I knew it wasn’t right for me. The last thing I wanted for myself was my first serious relationship to be an open one. No, gracias. I would never trust him and I would never be able to open up to him knowing that he was sleeping with other girls.

Dating involves risks and that is part of the reason I have never wanted a relationship—I didn’t want the risk. I didn’t have time to deal with a broken heart. It was so much more convenient to sleep with someone, no strings attached, and go on with my daily life. The process of opening up and becoming vulnerable had no appeal to me. But, I was no longer happy with those convenient relationships. I stopped receiving fulfillment from not being fully appreciated, and once I started to realize my worth and that I deserved more for myself, it became easier to expect more from others.

It took me almost two weeks to fully accept that I couldn’t see Saul any more. I went over to his house with the intention of breaking it off completely. I almost couldn’t get the words out of my mouth. It took me half an hour to bring it up. “I can’t do this to myself anymore. I don’t want this.” And it sucked saying that. I hated how it rolled off my tongue, the sense of loss that came with ending it.

While I barely knew Saul for two months, I learned a lot about myself. I learned that I could stand up for what I wanted and needed. I realized that I was strong enough to open up, even when it was really hard for me to do. And I recognized that risk is not a bad thing, it’s just hard. I’m not discouraged by this either, just a little more aware that I might hit bumps in the road in this world we call “dating.”

Here’s the point: I’ve grown out of wanting meaningless relationships. Sure it’s easy to pick someone up at a bar, and sometimes it can be fun. But over time, I have realized that a lot of those fun moments are often not very fulfilling. It’s intimidating and scary to let someone in, even just a little. And I can either choose to live in my past and let it blur the present moment, or decide that there are better things waiting for me, things that will bring me true happiness. My dad told me the definition of stupid is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. What I’ve been doing hasn’t been working. It’s time I try something new.

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